1.
A driver is stopped by a police officer. The driver asks, “What’s the problem officer?”
Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”
Man: “No sir, I was only doing 65.”
Wife: “Oh, Harry, you were going 80.”
The man gives his wife a dirty look.
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.”
Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.”
The man gives his wife another dirty look.
Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.”
Man: “Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”
Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.”
The man turns to his wife and yells: “SHUT YOUR MOUTH!”
The officer turns to the woman.
Officer: “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife: “No sir, only when he’s drunk.”
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2.
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Medicare. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
“I will have to go home and come back later.”
The woman says:
“Unbutton your shirt.”
So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair. She says
“That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me”
And she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.
She says
“You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.”
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3.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives…
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”
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4.
When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most
beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. He said as he walked up to
her:
“I may look like just an ordinary man, but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20
million dollars'
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening, and three days later she became his stepmother!
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5.
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor.
A nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me:
- “Congratulations Sir, you’re the new father of twins!”
The man replied:
- “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.”
Then he followed the nurse to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the nurse reappeared. She announced that a certain Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said:
- “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”
Suddenly the gentleman sitting next to me got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he said:
- “I think I need a breath of fresh air. I work for 7-UP.”
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6.
A man was approached by a co-worker who invited him out for a few beers after work.
The man refused saying that his wife does not allow him to go drinking .
The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem:
“When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife’s panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she’ll never mention that you were out late with the boys.”
The man promised to try. After work, he went out with the co-worker and enjoyed himself.
Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid under the sheets, gently pulled down his wife’s panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure.
But after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he’d be right back, got out of bed and went to the bathroom. When he opened the door, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.
“How did you get in here?” he asked.
“Shhhhh!!!” she replied, “You’ll wake-up my mother!”
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