46.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
L: Have you any grounds?
P: Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
L: No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
P: It made of concrete.
L: I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
P: No, we have carport, and not need one.
L: I mean. What are your relations like?
P: All my relations still in Poland
L: Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
P: We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
L: Does your wife beat you up?
P: No, I always up before her.
L: Is your wife a nagger?
P: No, she white.
L: Why do you want this divorce?
P: She going to kill me.
L: What makes you think that?
P: I got proof.
L: What kind of proof?
P: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: ‘Polish Remover’
47.
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says:
-
“Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”
The man gets really indignant and says:
- “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”
48.
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how she knows if they’re intelligent.
- “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Queen. “Allow me to demonstrate.”
Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, “Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?” Tony Blair responds, “It’s me, ma’am.” “Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Queen. She hangs up and says:
- “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?”
Bush nods:
- “Yes ma’am. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!”
Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says:
- “Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”
- “Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?”
Bush poses the question:
- “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Helms hems and haws and finally asks:
- “Can I think about it and get back to you?”
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
- “Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Powell answers immediately:
- “It’s me, of course.”
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims:
- “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s Colin Powell!”
And Bush replies in disgust:
- “Wrong, you dumb, it’s Tony Blair!”
49.
It was George the Mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
- “All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the dollar for?”
- “Well,” she said, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘SCREW him. Give him a dollar.’ The breakfast was my idea.”
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