50.
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
- There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
- English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
- We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
- And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
- If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
- If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
- Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
- You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
51.
Women’s Friends:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The husband called his wife’s ten best friends. None of them had seen her or knew what he was talking about.
Men’s Friends:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
52.
- Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
- Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade - especially with countries with cash or cars.
- Between the ages of 30 - 35 she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
- Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
- Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
- Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
- Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair’s a women really).
- After 70 they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
53a.
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
53b.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically:
- "Relatives of yours?"
- "Yep! in-laws." the wife replied.
54.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. He first grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy:
- "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
- "No, what?"
- "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"
- "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, he eats everything in sight. I'm sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running all around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a Maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and then eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted:
- "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
- "No what?"
- "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!".
- "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first."
Nếu các bạn có những truyện cười khác, xin các bạn gửi về cho chúng tôi: Hướng Dương txđ
Trở lại Đầu Trang |
