7.
A woman, after trying everyting and having perhaps worst chronic headache ever, goes to a famous “new age” holistic doctor as a last resort.
“Doctor, I have tried everything, but my headache just won’t go away.”
The doctor replied:
“You have come to the right place. This is what I want you to do: go home, stare at yourself in the mirror, point your index fingers at your temples, and repeat this mantra: ‘I really don’t have a headache, I really don’t have a headache’.Do it as long as it takes, the headache will eventually vanish.”
As she leaves the doctor’s office, skeptical but curious at the same time, she tries the maneuver in front of the mirror in the elevator. Fingers pointed at her temples, she starts repeating “I really don’t have a headache, I really don’t have a headache…”. She had barely said it four times when she realized her headache was gone. Shocked and elated, she runs back up to the doctor.
“Doctor, you are a genius! Can I please send you my husband? He’s been having problems in a certain department… how can I put it… ”
“When was the last time you two had sex?”
“About eight years ago.”
“Send him over.”
A few days later, she is waiting with baited breath for her husband to come home from the doctor. He arrives, asks her to wait, and goes straight to the bathroom. When he comes out, he throws her on the couch and starts making wild passionate love to her, when he’s finished, he goes right back to the bathroom. A few minutes later he comes out, rouses her from her bliss and starts at it again, like an insatiable young man. After another hour of great sex he goes and locks himself in the bathroom again.
At this point the wife had become unbearably curious. She tiptoes to the bathroom door, looks through the keyhole, and sees her husband, staring at himself in the mirror, fingers pointed at his temples, repeating: “That woman is not my wife, that woman is not my wife…..”
--------------------------------------------------
8.
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich African king who was a very important client. The client, out of the blue, asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her… don’t reject the guy outright. So, she tries to find a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes thinking, the woman says to the man
- “I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75-carat diamond ring with a matching 200-carat diamond tiara.”
The African king pauses for a while. Then, he nods his head and says
- “No problem!! I have. I have.”
Realizing her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man
- “I want you to build me a 100-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France.”
The African king pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone and calls some brokers in New York and in France then looks at the woman, nods his head and says
“Okay, okay. I build. I build.”
Realizing that she only has one last condition, the secretary knows that she’d better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally she gets an idea, a sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly
“Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 14-inch penis.”
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table for a while muttering in African dialect. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the king shakes his head, looking really sad, and says to the woman:
“Okay, okay. I cut. I cut.”
-------------------------------------
9.
It got crowded in heaven that St. Peter decided to accept only people who had really bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gate. The first man appeared:
- “Tell me about the day you died.”
- “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.”
St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. The next man in line approached.
- “Tell me about the day you died.”
- “Well, sir, it was awful, I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I tried to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. The third man arrived.
- “Tell me about the day you died?”
- “OK, picture this; I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”
---------------------------------------------
10.
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School. Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
- "Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
- "God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret:
- "Who is our Lord and Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret.
"Very good,"
and Mary Margaret fell back asleep. The Nun asked her a third question...
"What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted:
- "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted....
--------------------------------------------
11.
A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is the first question the foreman asks:
- "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
- "Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy."
And he proceeds to draw three trees.
- "What's this?" the boss asks
- "Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Jamaican.
- "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.
- "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says:
- "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
- "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Jamaican, so he says,
- "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says:
- "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt.
- "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says:
- "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred. SO, WHEN I START?" 
--------------------------------------------
12.
John really wanted to buy a motorcycle. He had been searching nearly every day, with no luck (he’s quite picky). One day he comes across a mint looking Harley with a ‘For Sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one even though it’s 10 years old, really shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, on the spot, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
“Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.”
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandy, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they ride the bike over there. But, just before they enter the house, Sandy stops him and says:
“I have to tell you something about my family before we go in… When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”
“No problem,” he says. And in they go.
John is shocked at the sight. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner and, of course, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe leans over and kisses Sandy. No one says a word.
He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.
He stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her brains out right in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom definately horrified, but, when he sits back down nobody says a word.
John, looking over at Sandy’s mom, things to himself “she’s pretty hot”. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. His girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Immediately the father backs away from the table and shouts:
“All right, thats enough, I’ll do the fucking dishes!”
Nếu các bạn có những truyện cười khác, xin các bạn gửi về cho chúng tôi: Hướng Dương txđ
Trở lại Đầu Trang |
