13.
Once upon a time, in a nice little forest lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through. The bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
- "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
- "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."
- "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, then said:
- "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
- "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked
- "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a unit head or possibly someone in senior management.
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14.
A long time ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave Rome. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.
The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moshe to represent them. Rabbi Moshe did not speak Latin. In fact, he knew very little, but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The Pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?
The day of the great debate came. Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moshe looked back at him and raised one finger.
The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled out an apple.
The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."
An hour later, the cardinals gathered all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolved us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"
Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moshe.
"What happened?"> they asked.
- "Well," said Moshe, "first he says to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours.' Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I pointed to the ground as if to say to him, 'Listen here, Pope, the Jews stay right here.'"
- "And then?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moshe. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine."
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15.
Q. How do you say "Give me liberty or give me death!" in French?
A. I give up.
Q. How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?
A. Nobody knows. It's never been tried.
Q. What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
A. The French Army.
Q. Why was the Chunnel built under the English Channel?
A. So the French government could to flee to London.
Q: Did you hear about the new French tanks?
A: They have 5 gears...4 in reverse, and one forward gear just in case they're attacked from behind!
Q: Why don't they have fireworks at Euro Disney?
A: Because every time they shoot them off, the French try to surrender.
Q: Why do they have trees in Paris?
A: So the Germans can march in the shade instead of the sun
Q: Why is good to be French?
A: You can surrender at the beginning of the war, and US will win it for you.
Q: What is the first thing you are taught when joining the French army?
A: To say "I surrender" in German
Q: Why was Jesus not born in France?
A: Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.
Q: Did you hear about France's new weapons contracts?
A: They gave one to Ace Hardware to produce 250,000 wood sticks...they are still looking for a company to produce 250,000 little white flags.
Q: Where are the brave French soldiers buried?
A: There aren't any so they had to bury some of ours on their soil.
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16.
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she
couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
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17.
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said
she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 ! that Your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of Money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again . He was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no
way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them.
"Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.
He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
"Oh, it's probably because I bet him 100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
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18.
1. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence. A LIFE sentence.
2. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.
3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her masters.
4. Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring and SUFFERing.
5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration: In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOR listens.
6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that instead.
7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.
8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking;the husband gives and the wife takes.
9. Son: "How much does it cost to get married, Dad?" Father: "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."
10. Son: "Is it true, Dad, that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Father: "That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!"
11. Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.
13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
14. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing - either the car is new or the wife is.
15. Confucius says: man who sinks into woman's arm soon have arms in woman's sink.
16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
17. Eighty percent of married man cheat in America, the rest cheat in Europe.
18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin. They just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
19. Marriage is when a man and a woman become one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.
21. I married miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men, it only seems longer.
23. A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, the love of a beautiful woman, then...POW! It was all gone." "What happened?," asked his friend. He says: "My wife found out."
24. Wife: "Let's go out and have some fun tonight." Husband: "OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on."
25. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another: "Aren't you wearing your ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.”
26. Man is incomplete until he gets married, then he is finished.
27. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
28. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED. The next day he received a hundred letters and they all said the same thing -YOU CAN HAVE MINE.
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